To help heal from being abused and neglected, and from abusing and neglecting others
Through all my life I had thought that eventually good fortune in closer relationships would just happen. I had always had good friends, good teachers, good neighbors, but the closer relationships of family and romance, marriage, kept back firing. I had to admit after seeing clearly that I was repeating a pattern of attracting abusive men, that I had no control in changing that aspect of my life, and I decided to just stop trying until I had found a way to end the pattern.
I went deeper into my spiritual practice and lived my life dedicated to my daughter and to my spiritual practice and service to God. I took the focus off trying to find fulfillment in intimate relationships and went ahead with my life, letting myself develop in other ways.
During the following years I did a lot of introspection, remembering relationships of all kinds, evaluating my own behavior, which I could only do in solitude.
I prayed for everyone I had interacted with in unpleasant ways.
As I proceeded, I saw that I had regrets. My regrets were mostly in the form of neglect, of being too distracted to value and affirm those people and animals I had overlooked.
I made efforts to revisit everyone, and every situation. When I was able to see people again, I expressed very clearly my appreciation for them, and apologized for my neglect, or mistakes I felt I had made.
When I wasn’t able to revisit the ones I felt I had neglected, I made donations to organizations that would benefit indirectly those who I felt I had let down, or I developed projects of my own that would help people.
The demand within me became- to love more, not to be loved more in any specific way.
Talking to another neutral person about my experiences came at different times, and with different people. And I made myself available to listen to people who also needed to talk about their abuse.
Talking about details of abuse done to me, and even more, my own shortcomings was difficult. In my own shortcomings it was easier for me to apologize or to take actions to neutralize damages I might have caused.
There was so much obvious abuse to me in my life, that it became a revelation that I had the ability to hurt others directly and indirectly, and that I had done that.
Speaking directly to my abusers about the hurt they had caused me was in most cases impossible. The abuse was so extreme and seeing those people again would have then, and still does, cause me to feel endangered. In some case the people were already dead, or they were strangers. In most cases, they were people who were not yet able to see themselves objectively.
I began to feel compassion and deep sadness for people who were so lost, and so confused that there was never enough quiet in their minds to find their own weaknesses. I felt sadness not only for their sake, but because all I wanted was to share love and respect, and I was not allowed to do that.
I finally understood that the power to heal them and me was just that, love. Love which includes respect, and respectful boundaries. Love for them, but also for myself.
I grew to understand that in the end the love we are left with, is not the love that other people have given us, it is the quality of love we have expressed to others, even if only in our thoughts and feelings unexpressed. In that place, I do not feel alone.
I have some distance left to achieve a full release of difficult emotions. I know I still feel the distress of the ones who have hurt me, and the regret of unshared love, frustration that I can’t make things better.
The work to be love, and to manifest love is all consuming.
A Practical Process of Atonement
After realizing you are trapped in an abusive situation, or are repeating abusive patterns, stop the abuse or patterns of abuse and victimization by stopping interactions which would allow for that.
Stopping those interactions can mean physically leaving a situation, or finding
a way to distance emotionally, mentally, and spiritually while staying in the situation.
Make a plan of how to live life fully outside of those abusive situations.
Make a healing plan. Help and treatment doesn’t have to be expensive, and is sometimes free of charge.
Introspection. Be as honest as you can be about the received perceived abuses, and also the abuses and neglect you feel you have committed, no matter how slight
they may seem.
Find a person or people who you can talk to about the abuses experienced and committed. It is important to talk to people who can be neutral, and who can refrain from taking sides.
Apologize to those you have hurt or neglected in any way, or make efforts to help others in related situations.
When it is safe, and possible, talk to those who you feel have abused you.
Finding forgiveness, release, comes in part from doing your own introspection. Confronting the people who you feel have hurt you must be done with as much calm and neutrality possible. Listening to their pain underneath their possible defenses will unravel the situation. Reacting in defensiveness or anger will only perpetuate the problem.
Continue to live your life within the process discussed here, keep up your introspection, and communication of apology, forgiveness and resolution when possible.
Continue to seek help and health, and continue to seek growth, spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Disclaimer: A Practical Process of Atonement to help heal from being abused and neglected, and from abusing and neglecting others, is provided as a service to the public, for informational and educational purposes only, and is not intended to be a substitute for professional or medical advice, counseling or treatment. Please consult with your own counselor, physician or other healthcare professional for diagnosis or treatment of any problem addressed by this Process and to discuss available options. AAAV Inc. and its officers, directors, shareholders, successors, and assigns, are not liable for any injuries, damages, or other negative consequences stemming from the use of A Practical Process of Atonement to help heal from being abused and neglected and from abusing and neglecting others.